Gentle ways to improve your decision-making skills
Decision making is part of our daily experiences. We decide whether we actually want to get out of bed in the morning, what to have for breakfast (if we even remember), and which song best represents our current mood. We don’t question ourselves much when making these kinds of decisions, mostly because we stand to lose nothing.
Decision-making can, however, be more complex. We sometimes have to make decisions that will impact our wellbeing, our future, or the ways in which we show up for other people. Making these kinds of decisions can feel like make-or-break moments. We wonder if what we decide will represent us well or if it will yield the results we anticipated. We want to get it “right.” But what even is “right”?
Deciding can be even harder when we do not have past reference of feeling successful in our decision-making capabilities or even trusting that we are capable of showing up for ourselves.
Why Is Decision-Making So Hard?
Decision-making can be influenced by many factors: our values, belief systems, personality traits, past experiences, the people who surround us, our health, our knowledge base, and our mental capacities. This is the reason why two people may decide differently when faced with one similar challenge. Making decisions can sometimes be a vulnerable thing to do, it’s no wonder we sometimes glance sideways at others, trying to gauge what they’re doing before making our own move just so we do not risk exposing our true selves.
If something is usually not collectively supported, it feels too risky because it requires a lot from our end. It helps to draw knowledge from others at times, but each individual is left to make their own decision, even when they have sourced some advice. Most of us have learned not to trust ourselves because of a history of self-betrayal or a lack of a reliable template to rely on when making decisions, or just not having learned to stand alone and understand our own thought processes, without external influence. As a result, we struggle to trust ourselves. So, how do we rebuild that trust? Let’s break it down.
5 Steps to Help You Work Through Trusting Yourself When Making Decisions
- What does decision-making mean to you?
- Where did you learn not to trust yourself?
- What is your body communicating to you as you work through deciding on something?
- How do core values fit into decision-making?
- What outlook do you lean toward when you realize the decision you made did not work out well?
What does decision-making mean to you?
Decision-making means different things to us. Some of us have learned that there is no room for making mistakes; we always have to make the best decisions, while others have learned to extend grace to themselves when it turns out that the decision they made did not work out well. For this group, making a decision means everything has to go right.
There are those who have not learned to decide for themselves; they always followed what was decided for them. Some have had to face wrath more than once when it turned out that the decisions they made did not turn out well. This might have resulted in not trusting that they are capable of deciding for themselves. For this group, making a decision means being reminded how inadequate you are.
Where Did You Learn Not to Trust Yourself When It Comes to Decision-Making?
Understanding how things started or where they originate may free us from the narratives that we have locked ourselves in. None of us are born with the capacity to be the best decision-makers. Self-trust is learned. We all have learned at some point what to believe about ourselves. We have been making decisions from a very young age, relying on caregivers to guide us in learning to make decisions and learning to extend compassion to ourselves when things don’t turn out the way we might have expected them to.
No one started out by not trusting their ability to decide; we internalized that at some point based on the messages that surrounded us. Understanding what influences your decision-making patterns will be the first step to opening yourself up to a new narrative.
Some of the beliefs that we carry about ourselves, aren’t ours. I have had a fair share of feeling stuck or extremely anxious when faced with making a decision. I did not believe anything good could come out of me.
Learning or getting to understand the reason why you may find it difficult to decide for yourself will open a door you had never entered into—a door where you get to understand who you really are. Where do you go when faced with a big decision to make? Do you get stuck in anxiety, trapped by fear, confused by self-doubt, or overwhelmed by feelings of uncertainty?
What Is Your Body Communicating to You as You Work Through Deciding on Something?
I mostly believe that when we can’t decide on what we feel about something, our bodies signal to us the parts that feel heavy. We know that something is off when a subject is introduced, and our heart starts beating faster than normal. That would normally be excitement or feeling anxious or fearful.
We sometimes struggle to name what we are feeling, but we can describe the sensations that we feel in our bodies as we go through an episode. The rapid heartbeat, the buzzing sound inside your head that shuts down your ability to think, your eyes feeling heavier than normal or a slight burn, or the swift flush of heat that washes over your face. All of these signs are data. Your body knows things your brain hasn’t caught up with yet.
When you are about to make a decision about something, it helps to pay attention to what’s coming up for you and allow it to speak to you. Explore where it is coming from. These are just examples of sitting down with your feelings or even walking with them. Your body signals what feels different, and you will eventually learn to describe the feelings as you lean in.
Sometimes it’s okay not to make a decision when things still feel confusing or when you cannot connect with your core truth. Put the subject down and revisit it when you are calmer, not sleep-deprived, or not hungry. Put an issue down and be okay with not knowing how to move forward at that moment. Meditate about it if that’s your thing, pray about it, talk to someone about it, or write about it. Anything that grounds you. Do that, and then pick up the subject again to decide on how to move forward.
How Do Core Values Fit into Decision-Making?
Your core values are the foundation of who you are. They shape your beliefs, guide your actions, and influence the way you make decisions. When faced with choices, big or small, your values serve as an internal compass, helping you determine what aligns with your true self. If you’re unsure of what yours are, taking time to go through a list of core values can be a good first step. Understanding your core values allows you to make decisions with greater confidence and clarity.
Many of us struggle to trust ourselves because we haven’t fully defined what we stand for. We may have spent years following the crowd, adapting to others’ expectations, or avoiding conflict in an effort to be more likable. But when a decision requires us to stand firm in our individuality, uncertainty creeps in.
The truth is, you don’t need to have absolute certainty to move forward, you just need to know that your choice reflects what truly matters to you. It’s wise to think things through, but overthinking to the point of paralysis only leads to more doubt. Instead of getting stuck in fear about how things might turn out, ask yourself: Does this choice align with my values? If the answer is yes, trust that you’re making the right decision for yourself, even if the outcome isn’t perfect. Staying true to yourself is always the right choice.
Which Outlook Do You Lean Toward When You Realize the Decision You Made Did Not Work Out Well?
It is undeniable that we will make decisions that yield good results at times, and at times, we will not. What do we do when this happens? Do we start questioning our credibility? Do we self-loathe? None of these will change the outcome of our decisions but accepting that we have made a decision and the events did not turn out as well as we might have anticipated is the first step.
We will not act like nothing happened, or that it does not hurt, or perhaps we feel disappointed by the result. We may do well to process the feelings that come and forgive ourselves, stopping from holding ourselves hostage. It’s okay not to be right all the time. The important thing is learning through your experiences and learning to laugh at yourself at times and move forward.
We have not gotten where we are as a result of a series of all the “right/best decisions.” One wrong one taught us what works, and we gained perspective and a better understanding of what to look out for next time. Moving forward is the plan. The plan is not to do it seamlessly.
The goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress.
Recommended Book(s):
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
Disclaimer: I am not a medical or mental health professional. The insights shared in this post are based on personal experience and what has helped me. This is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you’re struggling, please seek support from a qualified professional who can provide guidance tailored to your needs.
Additionally, nothing shared here is meant to take away from or minimize the experiences of others. Every journey is valid, and what helps one person may not be the right fit for another. 💛
